It’s a jungle out there. A concrete jungle, that is. While humans have evolved way past all other animals in a cognitive sense, we still need to navigate many of the situations that animals encounter in the wild. While many animals are categorized as predators or prey, people can also act in a predatory fashion and see other people as their ‘prey’. Except in the human world, the predatory person doesn’t eat their prey – they try to manipulate or take advantage of them instead. Predatory people don’t see EVERYONE as prey though – they instinctively pick people they think they can exploit for their own gain. Overly nice people are one of the main groups people try and exploit, for reasons we’ll discuss. Nice people aren’t off the hook, though. Many times, they’re not taken advantage of by just predators, but by everyone – and they ask for it! The workplace is one of the main places nice people get taken advantage of, and it affects workload, promotions, salary, reputation and more. In this article, we will discuss how to stop being too nice at work using twelve simple techniques.
Am I Too Nice At Work?
I’m speaking from personal experience here. I like to help people. When working on a team, I try to keep morale high and spirits up. I put in effort and take pride in my work. I want to show up on time, hit the ground running, accomplish what I set out to do and get out of there. No office politics, no gossip, no B.S. I just want to do my job and go home! Does this sound like you?
Looking back, I was too nice at work in my earlier days. Having the above qualities – good qualities that people many possess – can invite being taken advantage of all on their own. Add in things like low self-esteem, being shy or introverted and being non-confrontational, and one can quickly be seen as “too nice”.
If you’re wondering whether or not you’re too nice at work, consider the following questions. If you answer yes to several of them, you may in fact act too nice around your coworkers:
- Are you one of the first people in the door and the last person to leave?
- Do you do a lot more than your job description entails?
- Do coworkers ask you frequently for favors?
- Do these same coworkers not return favors?
- Do you feel bad or guilty saying no?
- Do you frequently ‘take one for the team’ and do extra?
- Do other coworkers make a similar salary or have the same title, but do much less work?
- Have you been denied a raise or promotion despite you having the responsibilities or workload that warrants it?
- Do you feel like you do your bosses’ job for them?
Now let’s discuss twelve ways to stop being too nice at work. Here’s our main list, which we’ll get into below!
- Learn to say no.
- Work hard, but for a limited time.
- Do your work first.
- Observe the actions of your coworkers.
- Get paid for what you do.
- Start asking for things.
- Stand up to people (with tact!).
- Impress others with job performance, not likability.
- Picture ‘meeting yourself’ – what do YOU think of your qualities?
- Practice confident body language.
- Know the signs of being manipulated.
- Improve your self-esteem.
Mandatory Disclaimer: We are not psychologists. We write our articles based on our beliefs, research and real-world experiences only.
1. Learn To Say No
It’s one of the shortest words in the English language, yet some of us rarely use it.
Some of feel guilty for saying no to people. Others are afraid of how the other person will react. Either way, people who are too nice early say no!
Not sure when it’s OK to say no? Here are a few times you should DEFINITELY say no to get you started:
- Your personal life will suffer if you say yes – family, commitments or otherwise.
- You really don’t want to do what someone is asking.
- You have too much work or an approaching deadline.
- The request goes against your personal values.
Start saying no in these situations, because you’ll always be in the right!
2. Work Hard – For A Limited Time
Are you a high performer? Work performance is hard to summarize in a couple of words, but here are a few indicators you’re a high performer:
- You handle a large workload.
- Your internal performance reviews are positive.
- You have great customer reviews and client relationships.
- You show up on time or even early.
- You frequently stay late.
Now the trick question – is your personal life balanced? Do you go to work – sleep – repeat? How’s your fitness, health and overall lifestyle? Is your house a mess? Do you have ‘no life’?
If those things are suffering, it’s time to start leaving on time! If you’re working efficiently and STILL suffering, it’s important to stop being too nice at work and learn to relax after work, instead. You’ll feel refreshed, balanced and probably perform better.
3. Do Your Work First
We all know that person who is just so busy. Actually busy, though. Constantly running around at work. The boss needs a summary in less than an hour, a coworker needs help with their project and the printer is on the fritz, too. These are what we call “doing the intangibles“. Is this you?
Most people in the office appreciate these things. Helping others is good. It FEELS good. Unfortunately, appreciation and helping people doesn’t get your OWN work done. When it comes to leaving on time or performance reviews, these ‘intangible’ things aren’t focused on – your job performance is judged based on your own responsibilities and how well you’re doing.
Essentially, you aren’t technically being paid to do all these intangible things!
Combining this inconvenient truth with a poor work-life balance, and it becomes obvious that first and foremost, do your own work first.
Not to mention – coworkers can take advantage of you this way. They might ask you to help them in order to save their own time. Which brings us to…
4. Observe The Actions Of Your Coworkers
When it comes to our surroundings, it’s best to see them objectively.
Here’s a bumper-sticker quote for you: the truth hurts. But it’s necessary. Rose-colored glasses help no one, and they’re often the cause for us being too nice at work.
Seeing coworkers for who and what they are is important. Some coworkers have good qualities, others have bad qualities and most have a combination of the two.
The concept of Occam’s Razor states that when coming to a conclusion based on info at hand, the most obvious, least-assumptions-made judgement is typically the correct one.
If you witness a coworker be lazy on multiple occasions, they’re probably lazy.
If you see a coworker throw other people ‘under the bus’, they’re probably not a loyal person of integrity.
When a person asks for favors regularly but is quick to say no in general, they’re not a real friend or teammate.
Let’s package this point into one nice quote: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck – it’s a duck.
PROMOTED
5. Get Paid For What You Do
We have job descriptions for a reason. They are agreed to up front around the time of hiring and they exist to make clear what we’re being paid to do at work and for how many hours per week.
When learning how to stop being too nice at work, it’s very important to make sure you’re being paid fairly for what you do.
If you’re working 12-hour days and constantly stressed, knowing you’re at least being fairly compensated goes a long way!
Referring to point #3 above, make note of the work you do outside of your job description! When you discuss a raise or promotion, you’ll have a list handy of all these ‘intangibles’ that will help prove your case for a raise.
Additionally, make note of period when your company is understaffed or extra busy to further prove your point.
In order to negotiate a raise and get paid fairly, we must…
6. Start Asking For Things
For those of us that are too nice at work, we often take pride in achieving more with less, getting the job done despite disadvantages and putting our head down until the work is done. These are admirable, noble qualities that signify strength.
When unchecked though, our biggest strength can become our biggest weakness.
Let me stress: I am not saying to stop doing these things! Keep up the good work. But, you must not work this hard (for someone else’s company, no less) at the detriment of yourself.
We’ve hit this point already, but ask for a raise when you’re deserving of it.
If you’re doing way more work than what one person should do, you should feel NO SHAME about bringing this to your boss’s attention. You probably need help or to spread the work around.
If you’re fighting an uphill battle at work every day, vocalize inefficiencies, time-wasters, shortcomings or ideas that can improve the situation.
Don’t feel guilty or bad – this article is about how to stop being too nice at work. You’ll often get exactly what you ask for…this includes ‘getting nothing’.
7. Stand Up To People With Tact
The first rule of standing up to yourself is saying no. This is why we put it at #1 on our list!
This will be the biggest cure for being too nice at work.
Standing up to people at work is INCREDIBLY simple, but not easy. At least, not without practice and guidance. It’s uncomfortable and intimidating! Two negative emotions we don’t want to feel. The thing is, though…
Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, humiliation and shame are way worse. If you feel one of these feelings as a result of a coworker’s actions, it’s time to stand up to them – tactfully. Here’s how.
Be direct. If you don’t like the way a person says something about you, say so. If someone gives you too much of a hard time, tell them to stop talking, be quiet or go away. You aren’t doing anything wrong and the contrast from your normal too-nice reputation will carry a lot of power.
Disagree. Simply state “I disagree.” This can be about an unfair criticism of you, or your job performance. Give calm explanation needed, without over-explaining – this is a bad habit of people who are too nice. If you reach an impasse, just agree to disagree but stick by your position. This conveys strength and self-assuredness.
Ask questions. Authority figures ask questions, and to stop being too nice at work, assume some level of authority – at least over yourself and your reputation. If someone says your idea is bad, ask for an explanation. If you’re criticized unfairly, ask them what their opinion is based on. The point is, don’t just accept whatever others say or do, especially if unfair.
Be truthful. If a coworker tries to unfairly blame a mistake on you, particularly if it’s their fault – say so. Vocalize exactly why it isn’t your fault, and why the other person is actually at fault if necessary.
No need to insult, belittle or roll in the mud with the other person. Stand up to coworkers tactfully by being direct, disagreeing if needed, asking questions and being truthful.
P.S. Keeping calm and staying cool is power.
8. Impress Others With Your Performance, Not Likability
Being liked at work is like having a lot of Monopoly money. For the most part, it only carries value in the game!
Think about it – how close are you with your coworkers? You may like some of them and have a couple of genuine friends, but for the most part, we HAVE to spend time around them. We don’t come to work to socialize – we go to work to get paid.
Being the most well-liked person in the office feels great. You feel accepted, important and respected. Are you particularly nice in order to have these feelings? There’s another way to get them and it helps your wallet now and your future, too.
For those of us who are too nice at work, we feel the NEED to be liked. This is a trait of people whose personalities include openness, empathy and compassion.
Some of our need to be liked probably won’t go away. Which is why we need to channel it.
By all means, consider any traits you need to work on such as low self-esteem (#12 below) to fix your compulsive need to be liked. For whatever is left…
Put all of that ‘need’ to be liked into your work. Channel that need into your performance, work quality and improving the two. Then, revert to tip #5 above!
PROMOTED
9. Picture ‘Meeting Yourself’ Or Someone With Similar Qualities
Imagine how weird it would be to meet yourself. What would you think of you?
This can be a great visualization exercise, even when uncomfortable!
First, identify the things about you that make you ‘too nice’. This can include being afraid to offend others, speaking passively (not directly), not standing up for yourself and poor body language.
Next, be the person you’d want to be around, not the one you don’t. Consider these questions along with any specific to your situation:
- What do you think of people who are so afraid of offend others all the time? Do they seem weak?
- How do you feel when someone beats around the bush, speaks passively and discounts themselves? Do you take them seriously?
- When you see someone get insulted, passed over or belittled and they do nothing about it, how do you see them? Do you respect them as much?
Asking these questions can really open our minds to our we come off to others, and this new view of yourself is essential to stop being too nice at work!
As for the poor body language…
10. Practice Confident Body Language
Exact percentages vary, but many experts agree on one thing: most of our communication is non-verbal. This includes how we communicate with others as well as how we perceive others.
When learning how to stop being too nice at work, fixing how we appear go a long way.
When you picture someone who gets respect, who is taken seriously, who is not targeted by bullies or manipulators, what do you see?
Here are some easy body language tips to look more confident and authoritative, even for those who feel extremely uncomfortable with certain aspects of it.
- Stand against a wall. Make sure your head, upper back and glutes are touching the wall. This is proper posture.
- Maintain eye contact – in bursts. Many of us struggle with eye contact. We don’t need to have a staring contest, though – hold eye contact for two full seconds, then look away (or to another person) for two full seconds. This is enough to maintain good eye contact.
- Imagine a horizontal line running across your vision. Half of what you see is above, the other half below. Unless necessary, try to keep your vision above this line.
- Don’t shrink in on yourself. Keep your shoulders broad, chest up and arms at our sides. Crossing arms, hunching shoulders and trying to take up little space are signs of weak body language.
11. Know The Signs Of Being Manipulated
One good reason not to be too nice, at work and in our lives, is because bad people are out there.
According to LiveScience, about 1 in 100 people are psychopaths. Beyond that, plenty of others have selfish tendencies, less-than-good intentions and manipulate others to get what they want.
I recently recalled some stories of a former manipulative boss I had, and the signs to look out for. Here are a few common manipulation techniques you can look out for:
- Blame-shifting. When a person is at fault, but tries to shift the blame onto you or someone else.
- Making rules, but not following them. Do as I say, not as I do.
- Moving the goal post. Changing the rules of the game or an assignment after the fact.
- Two-faced behavior or contradictory beliefs.
- Shaming you, or making you question yourself.
When trying to stop being too nice at work, it’s important to know what manipulation can look like, and to keep an eye out for it!
12. Improve Your Self-Esteem
Being too nice is ultimately our own problem to deal with.
Often times, we are too nice out of fear. We fear rejection, negative opinions, confrontation, failure, criticism and many other things we all fear on some level. These are fears of someone with low self-esteem.
Here’s the trick, though – experiencing these things is INEVITABLE at some point. Remember point #9 above? How much did you like about your too-nice self? You probably have some criticisms and negative thoughts about them. You don’t HATE that person of course – you just think they’re too nice!
On another note, what do you think you should GET in exchange for your niceness? Respect? Love? Appreciation? No criticism? No bad thoughts?
Why do you need to have that from other people? Is your life then complete? Have you reached perfection? Of course not. These things are only worth having when they’re genuine.
The easiest way to get over low self-esteem is to routinely practice the points in this article. Ask for what you need. Take care of your own needs. Be paid fairly. Carry yourself in a respectable manner. And of course, keep your eyes open to the reality around you and act accordingly!
Related Articles:
- Is My Boss Manipulating Me? Here Are 12 Signs Of A Manipulative Boss
- How To Relax After Work: 10 Easy Ways
- Managing Projects As An Introvert: 13 Essential Tips
In Summary
I hope this list of tips has been helpful to you and opened your mind to things you might not have considered before.
If you came here wondering how to stop being too nice at work, you now have some really simple techniques you can begin using right away!
It gets much easier once you start.
