Do you feel like your boss is manipulating you? Does it seem like whatever you do, it’s just not quite good enough? Are you scrutinized over little details, while other people’s mistakes never get mentioned? Do you feel like you’re being set up to fail with each passing week? If so, you could be a victim of a manipulative boss and their ill-intended tactics. In this article, we’ll discuss twelve techniques a manipulative boss or coworker will typically employ, along with how to handle them effectively.
12 Signs Of A Manipulative Boss: Table of Contents
In this article, we’re focusing on twelve ways manipulative bosses mess with their employees. Jump ahead to a section by clicking below.
- Blame Shifting
- Overly Critical
- Do As I Say, Not As I Do
- Moving The Goal Post
- Putting Obstacles In Your Path
- Intimidation
- Avoiding Issues
- Two-Faced Behavior
- Slanting The Narrative
- Being The Biggest Victim
- Gaslighting
- Interfering With Your Personal Life
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My Manipulative Boss Story
This article will be a bit more personal, as I’ve experienced this situation first-hand.
I presently work for myself, and it’s not perfect. I’m responsible for more now, and there’s a whole new level of stress when it comes to managing my time, working efficiently and of course, making money. But even on the worst days, there is one thing I don’t miss: my former boss.
I worked for several years as a project manager at a fairly large company. Though it is a national company, most offices are relatively small and somewhat disconnected from the parent organization on a day-to-day level.
This separation proved useful to my boss, who put as much space between our branch and the corporate management as possible. Although I liked almost all of my coworkers, this guy managed to offset them and make work pretty miserable for all of us.
Due to the separation between our local team and upper management, the corporate office had little knowledge about how our office functioned under our manager. For years, my boss managed to run our branch through fear, manipulation and dysfunction. Although the chickens finally came home to roost eventually, many decent employees quit out of frustration or were fired along the way.
My manager was a miserable guy, a true energy vampire. I can testify that the old expression is true: misery loves company. Yelling and insulting staff during meetings was common. Understaffing to save on the bottom line was a best practice. Ridiculous expectations were put on us all the time, such as working in the office all night to meet a deadline our boss promised a client or upper management.
No matter what we did, we could never catch up on our workload; we were hamsters running in a wheel.
Any time something didn’t go right, it was never because we had too few resources, zero team cohesion, or that our branch bit off way more than we could chew – it was always our faults.
Meanwhile, our boss could literally not do his job. Due to some buddy-buddy family connections and stepping on others over the years, he made his way into upper management. He didn’t plan on leaving anytime soon – whatever it took. By ‘whatever it took’, I mean blaming everyone else for problems as much as possible while never being accountable himself.
I’m a friendly person who likes to have a good relationship with people. I prefer keeping the peace and resolving conflict, rather than instigating it or fighting. As a result, there were times I let things go that I shouldn’t have. I bring this up, because manipulators prey on people like who I was.
Something changed as the years crept on. I became more assertive. While I still prefer camaraderie over confrontation, I eventually had to learn how to flip the switch when dealing with a bad person. The construction industry has its’ fair share, but the worst of the worst in any industry can only be dealt with through some form of direct confrontation.
This change in me happened while working for this boss, and largely because of this boss. He was known for being a bully, and for exploiting people’s weaknesses. I was no exception.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone! I’m here writing this to tell you so. The good news? You’ll be just fine, but it will require that you act responsibly in regards to you own well being. This includes knowing when to stand up for yourself and others, as well as when to be a bit more assertive.
Before We Go Through The 12 Signs Of A Manipulative Boss, Here’s Some Advice From Experience…
Working in a toxic environment is what I consider a ‘silent killer’. Maybe you can relate to this. The effect settles in over time, not all at once.
Gradually, you start feeling less enthusiasm for your work. You start questioning you own abilities and skill. You take home a little more baggage with you each day. You’re working more and more just to ‘keep up’.
You feel worn out and tired. Sundays are spent thinking about Monday, and Monday mornings become your worst enemy. You feel like you’re being drained of your life force one day at a time.
This is exactly what a manipulative boss wants. In my opinion, they have a sixth sense for these things. Our emotions and weaknesses are like molding clay for a manipulator, and they’re masters of their craft.
I am not a psychologist, but I do have a lot of experience with working for a manipulative boss.
With that mandatory disclaimer out of the way, here are a few general pieces of advice I have for anyone experiencing workplace bullying:
Take Care Of Yourself & Relax After Work. This article is as much about finding balance in your life as it is about dealing with a bad boss.
Document. I cannot stress this enough. Over time, I began providing written status updates to my boss every week, along with a copy of my to do list. I also copied him on every email I sent to our clients.
If you’re working as hard as you can, prove it.
My boss did not like these updates, because it made him more accountable for the outcome of our projects. Over time, these emails serve as the perfect record to defend yourself against undeserved blame in the future. Your boss may even slip up and respond in a nasty fashion, which serves as even more proof of their poor behavior.
Your boss is likely a better manipulator than you, which is not a compliment to them. Protect yourself at all times.
Talk to somebody. Whether it be family, friends or a partner, don’t keep your emotions inside. Getting your frustration off your chest will help immensely. With that said…
See a professional if need be. If your job is giving you anxiety, depression or something similar, see somebody. They will give you advice on coping with a toxic work environment as well as how to manage your own thoughts and feelings.
Speak your mind. I used to think that I needed to be a jerk to call out my boss, or that I should just put my head down and work. Do not do this! There are plenty of ways to politely and tactfully assert yourself when you’re being treated unfairly.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s get into the ways bosses manipulate employees, and what to do about them!
Manipulation Tactic #1: Blame Shifting
Does your boss make a mistake or act inappropriately, and blame it on you? Welcome to the club, you’ve been blame shifted!
Bosses who blame shift are unwilling to accept responsibility. As a result, they’re never wrong. This does not bode well for employees, as you can imagine.
An example of mine: we hired a subcontractor to fabricate specialty components for a difficult restoration project. My boss is the one who hired that firm, and I was the one managing them.
From the start, they weren’t holding up their end of the deal. As the project manager, I was the one left to deal with it. I called and emailed them constantly – while cc’ing my boss – and dragged them along on the project way more than what should’ve been necessary. My boss stayed silent.
When they didn’t deliver, it was all my fault. According to my boss, I wasn’t being clear enough with them. I hadn’t been giving them what they need. I needed to do better. I’m not doing my job!
How Do You Handle Blame Shifting At Work?
Documentation is a blame-shifting boss’ kryptonite. After all, they can’t blame us if we can clearly prove that our boss is the one at fault. Here are a few tips to practice:
Document work activity on a regular basis. Provide updates to your boss and team in writing as often as you can on a routine schedule.
Get clarification. If you are confused about your responsibilities or assignment, email your boss and ask for clarification. If you meet about it or discuss verbally, follow up the conversation with a written summary.
By constantly documenting the deficiencies of our subcontractor and my efforts to correct them, my blame-shifting boss couldn’t put the blame where he wanted to: on me! I had plenty to talk about when the top-level managers started getting involved. I could’ve been fired for not managing the subcontractor and when real problems arose, but I was instead praised for my efforts. My boss was questioned for not intervening.
Read Next: Being Direct In The Workplace, Without Being A Jerk: 10 Simple Steps
Manipulation Tactic #2: Criticizing Too Often
Are you working under a microscope? Does your boss find fault in everything that you do? Are you called out in front of others for small things?
Your boss is likely being overly critical of your work. While a healthy amount of introspection is good for you, there comes a point when you realize that your manipulative boss is going too far. This can happen for a few reasons:
- Your boss may be jealous of you and is trying to bring you down.
- Your boss may be overly sensitive to criticism, and is criticizing you defensively in their minds.
- Your boss may just not like you for their own personal reasons.
I have many personal examples, but one thing my boss did habitually was act as a “Monday morning quarterback”. When we were busy solving problems or putting out fires, he was nowhere to be seen. After the fact though, he’d be quick to point out every little thing that should’ve been done differently. He’d intentionally avoid the work so he could claim his own innocence.
How Do You Deal With An Overly Critical Boss?
To restate the above, a boss may be overly-critical as a means to project their own insecurities onto you. They may also criticize you in a quasi-defensive manner as they likely handle criticisms about themselves poorly, no matter how constructive. By making you look bad, an overly-critical boss may feel better about their performance in comparison.
A manipulative boss is probably toxic by nature anyways, and will use criticism as a way to cause distress to those they don’t like.
Here are a few tips for dealing with your own overly-critical boss, based on my experience:
Send your boss periodic drafts of your work for approval. This keeps them involved in the process. Draft documents take only about 20% of the total time, but contain 80% of the information. Hold them accountable and save yourself time, too.
Ask for feedback often. Ask them what you should do differently. If they have no good advice – especially on something small – this will flush out their intentions.
Plan ahead, and keep your boss informed regularly. This minimizes the ‘Monday morning quarterbacking’ that your boss can get away with.
Read Next: When Your Boss Criticizes You in Front of Others, Do These 5 Things
Manipulation Tactic #3: Making The Rules, Not Following Them
“Do as I say, not as I do”. That mindset represents a cornerstone principal of a manipulative boss. These bosses know they have the power to make the rules at work, and they get to act as the judge, jury and ‘executioner’ when someone steps out of line. As a result, they use these rules as a sword and shield – something they can use against you and your coworkers, yet also something they can hide behind. Who is going to punish them if no one above them knows?
An example of mine: my boss was stuck in 1980. He did not trust that employees could be getting work done unless they’re sitting in the office under his thumb. Of course, he regularly didn’t get work done when out of the office, so he assumed we all did the same.
One morning, I had to take my dog to the vet for an emergency. I used a fraction of my sick time each year, and I notified our team at the crack of dawn ahead of our office meeting that I needed to take a personal day – even though I still planned on working remotely.
In kind, I was told I’m being unprofessional, that my reason was not valid for missing a meeting and that it wouldn’t be allowed going forwards. Not more than a few weeks later, my boss needed to work from home for a furniture delivery! Talk about a hypocrite.
When Your Boss Practices “Rules For Thee, But Not For Me”, Here’s What To Do
Unfortunately, some bosses expect their coworkers to follow all the rules that they consider themselves exempt from. When your boss conducts themselves with a “rules for thee, but not for me” mentality, here are a few ways to handle it:
What are the impacts for a particular rule? If the rule is truly silly, speak to your boss about how it is negatively impacting the business. If there’s no good reason for it, they’ll look foolish for enforcing a rule that takes away from the organization’s results.
Know your rights. Just because your boss says it, doesn’t mean it’s correct. I used legitimate personal time AND made up work into the evening when I brought my dog to the vet. I was perfectly within my rights to tend to a personal emergency – my boss was just a jerk.
Call your boss out. This is tricky, so tread carefully. If your boss blatantly breaks a rule that has a detrimental effect on your own work, I personally feel that it’s fair to do so. A good boss will acknowledge their wrongdoing.
Read Next: What Are The Signs Of A Toxic Work Environment? Our Top 10
Manipulation Tactic #4: Moving The Goal Post
Your boss gives an assignment. You get it done. Lo and behold, you’re greeted with a strange reason as to why your work was not satisfactory after the fact. Turns out, your boss changed the terms of the assignment…you just didn’t know it. Your boss moved the goalpost!
This is something manipulative bosses do to keep you off balance, and deem you less than satisfactory at their whim.
An example of mine: A project managers’ salary often lags behind their skill level. You’re already doing the work of a project manager while still an assistant P.M., and essentially must prove your way into a better salary through performance.
Before I could get a raise, I was told that I needed to prove myself by managing a larger, tougher project.
Our company had many offices in the US. Most focused on performing a large volume of small projects. Traditionally, project managers were expected to bring in new projects at the same time as they were managing ongoing ones.
Thus, everyone had a sales goal. My branch was the newest in the company. We focused on much larger projects that had more complexity to them – and therefore more management. These projects were 10x or even 100x the dollar value of a typical project company-wide.
The sales responsibility of project managers in our branch was never fully established, but it was clear that our projects took a lot more time to oversee. We had little time remaining to spend on sales.
I worked my butt off managing my projects, with our overstretched staff so busy on other work that they could barely help. At the sacrifice of sleep and with the aid of coffee, the projects I managed had remained within budget and running as they should.
When my next performance review came, I was told that we all need to manage our projects AND reach a sales quota. Without having sales, “nothing could be done” to get the home office to approve a raise for me. I was only asking for the going market rate, by the way.
With the hours we spent managing projects, we’d need to clone ourselves in order to focus on sales too. Apparently, proving myself on a larger project was not enough to get a raise after all.
When Your Boss Keeps Moving The Goalpost…
Bosses who ‘move the goalpost’ know exactly what they’re doing. By changing the goal covertly, they effectively keep us ‘chasing’ after what we want like a horse chases the carrot hanging in front of them, all while our bosses get what they want out of us. In order to prevent our bosses from moving the goalpost on us, here are a few tips:
Documentation. When given an assignment or goal, I recommend writing an email summary to your boss that dictates exactly what’s required of us, as well as what the goals of the assignment are.
Call them on it. Don’t concede that you’re in the wrong if you’re truly not. Goals of an assignment should not change without explicit, direct explanation from our bosses.
Be willing to walk away, whenever possible. Having the goalpost moved on us in secret is never fair. A betrayal of our trust – at least to me – is sufficient reason to look for another job. Manipulative bosses are not stupid; if they need you, they won’t want to lose you.
Know your worth. Don’t settle for being treated unfairly. You’re worth much more than that!
Read Next: How To Stop Being Too Nice At Work: 12 Simple, Quick Techniques
Manipulation Tactic #5: Putting Obstacles In Your Path
Do you feel like you’re not given enough time to get your work done? That you’re forced to sit through pointless meetings, or partake in time-wasting processes? There’s a chance this is on purpose to sabotage you or your team.
Manipulative bosses know they are in control of your assignments at work. if they don’t want you to succeed, it’s easy to throw you off track by giving you too much work, taking up your time or extracting your resources.
An example of mine: my former boss was a master of this. He once directed us to approve invoices in our company’s project management software and sign off on the physical copies. Yes, he asked us to literally approve project invoices twice. He had gotten in trouble for some questionable expenses, so we were effectively punished in kind. This created hours of extra work each month.
We’d then get in trouble for being behind on other work, despite no acknowledgement of these silly, redundant processes.
I recall him giving me an assignment that needed to be completed in a couple of days. This assignment required that I work with another specific coworker. Wouldn’t you know it, my boss assigned that same coworker to a different project for the rest of the week that would take all his time – giving me no chance to work with them on my assignment! Made guilty by design.
When Your Boss Sets You Up For Failure…
If your boss is setting you up to fail, you unfortunately must take action as a means of self-defense. Bosses have the upper hand in many instances, and their word typically counts for more when it’s our word against theirs. When your manipulative boss sets you up to fail, here are a few techniques you can use to defend yourself:
If there’s an obstacle in your path, let your boss know. This is ideally done in writing, but we must do so verbally at a minimum. Many bosses set us up to fail by covertly sabotaging us, so brining the obstacle to light largely neutralizes their attempts.
Ask for direction on how to proceed. Our bosses will have a hard time setting us up to fail when we ask them for direction. By outlining what we’re trying to do along with what (or who) is preventing us from getting it done, we effectively force our boss to remove the obstacle from our path for us! As the boss, it is their responsibility to make sure we can actually get the work done that they need from us.
Read Next: How Can I Get Back My Focus At Work? 4 Common Situations
Manipulation Tactic #6: Intimidation Tactics
Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells at work? Is your boss known to threaten people with talks of downsizing, demotions or no raises? Do they grill you in front of your coworkers or single you out in meetings?
Your manipulative boss has gone full caveman. They’re turning to primitive tactics to keep the staff in line – fear-based tactics.
My example: we had weekly staff meetings that required our project managers and supervisors to give status updates to the entire office, one project at a time. The majority of the time, you sat in silence and listened while waiting for your turn, unless you called upon.
My boss LOVED these meetings, because he was never under scrutiny – he only gave it. It was his show. You could usually cut the tension with a knife.
One by one, he’d grill you on every single item, looking for fault. There was never a good reason why something wasn’t done, or why something was behind, despite our office being run like a circus and staffed terribly.
Most of us were just relieved to be done with our part, and were in turn mad at you for taking the time to defend yourself – everyone just wanted to get out of there and you’d be making the meeting take longer.
On a particularly bad project, we were dealing with unhappy clients, a skeleton crew and a bad budget. This was a project the boss insisted we take despite us saying not to when asked up front about it.
As a result, every weekly meeting got more and more heated over time. It got to the point where my boss screamed to me that if HE were in charge of it, he’d be over there doing it better than me. Our intern literally covered her eyes when he yelled this. No bueno.
How To Deal With An Intimidating Boss:
Bosses who practice intimidation tactics are counting on a few things. First and most obviously, they expect to control us using fear; getting us to do what they want in exchange. Secondly, an intimidating boss does not expect us to do anything about it; fearing that what comes next is even worse. Thirdly and on a related note, they don’t expect any resistance. Here are a couple tips on how to counteract a boss’ intimidation tactics:
Remain professional, and stick to principles. Acting professional usually helps keep our intimidating boss in a more neutral state; acting angry, overly emotional or otherwise unprofessional may cause them to ‘turn it up a notch’. By sticking to principles, company rules and so on, our bosses cannot push it too far – they know that breaking obvious company boundaries can get them into trouble.
Report unprofessional behavior to your HR department. This can be tricky; HR departments aren’t saviors, nor are they perfect. Reporting an intimidating boss’ behavior without backup can cause us more harm than good. If our boss acts blatantly unprofessional in writing or in a large group setting, it’s advisable to provide any proof you have to the HR department ASAP. Should anything happen in the future, you’ve already got proof that HR was forewarned.
Act brave. It’s ok to feel fear or anxiety in these moments, but you still must defend yourself. Much like a schoolyard bully, an intimidating boss thrives when they get the reaction they expect: fear. In kind, these bosses are often left perplexed when we react differently. You can act brave while still being professional. I specifically told my boss that he’s not acting like a team member, he doesn’t listen and he sets people up to fail. I never had to swear or raise my voice.
If it suits you, check out this video about being dangerous, but disciplined.
Read Next: How To Not Get Bullied At Work: Essential Tactics
Manipulation Tactic #7: Avoiding The Issue
Whenever there’s a problem, is your boss nowhere to be found? When you raise a concern, does it disappear into the ether? Are obvious issues never dealt with? Your manipulative boss knows exactly what they’re doing.
My example: On the project from the previous example, the client summoned our company for a meeting. The subject? Lack of management. In summary, our company set this project up WAY understaffed (the skeleton crew), and the client noticed that we weren’t paddling all the oars, so to speak.
It was going to be an ugly conversation. With millions of dollars on the line and pressure to finish, the client had serious, legitimate concerns. Voices would be raised and fingers would be pointed…probably not just the index finger ;).
About 30 minutes before the meeting, my boss calls me. He won’t be there because something else came up on another project. He told me to call him when it’s done. In true bad boss fashion, our head manager didn’t show up to the meeting ABOUT lack of management! The irony…
To say the least, our client was not pleased. I was secretly relieved. I was glad they saw him make such a misstep. He was usually on the side of the client in previous meetings, grilling our project rather than giving us support. From that moment on, the tide shifted. We were taken less seriously, were under more scrutiny and every subsequent interaction had a negative vibe. To save you time, it got worse and worse!
Ironically, he stopped coming to meetings for this project altogether. A perfect example of ‘avoiding the issue’.
How To Handle A Boss That Won’t Fix Problems
Bosses that won’t fix problems hope that these issues eventually resolve themselves without having to get involved. While this is obvious, the solution to handling these types of bosses lies in plain site also. If our boss won’t fix problems on their own, we must effectively force them to. Below are a few techniques to do so.
Set every meeting in writing. Use a calendar invite, or send an email. Having a meeting set in writing serves as proof that we’re trying to meet with our boss to resolve issues, making it difficult for them to ignore. Reasons for establishing meetings can include providing status updates, discussing an issue or any other critical topic.
Discuss both problems and solutions in writing. In addition to setting up meetings via email, we should also issue agendas before these meetings that outline problems and concerns, as well as send meeting minutes afterwards that cover the next steps and solutions that were discussed.
Bring up concerns and problems in group settings. If we’re dealing with a problem that our boss doesn’t want to fix, there’s a good chance that other team members are dealing with it, too. This tactic can be productive for working through problems as a group, while also having witnesses to your statements. In turn, our boss is also ‘put on the spot’, as there’ll be multiple witnesses to their response and an expectation to resolve it.
Read Next: 10 Email Sins At Work To Avoid At All Costs! Do These Sound Familiar?
Manipulation Tactic #8: Two-Faced Behavior
Does you boss trash talk your coworkers in front of you? Do they act like your friend in some scenarios, but your enemy in others?
Your manipulative boss plays whichever cards they have in the moment. They talk about others to you, and they talk about you to others. They’ll ‘sweet talk’ you to gain your trust or convince you to do something, then they’ll embarrass you for any number of reasons the next day.
A two-faced boss is not one that can be trusted.
My examples:
I shared an office with another P.M. who was good at their job. However, you could say they had their own ‘system’ for managing their work: piles of paper on the desk and floor, post-its everywhere and lots of stuff all over the place. My boss would walk in when my officemate wasn’t around and talk snidely about the mess. I can only imagine what he said about me.
Another coworker could be described as ‘passionate’. He’d get all worked up when something went wrong, but would laugh and joke 30 minutes later as if nothing happened. My boss was TERRIFIED of this coworker and appeased him whenever possible. But behind his back? My boss called him bipolar regularly, and made many other unflattering comments.
How To Deal With A Two-Faced Boss
A two-faced boss cannot be trusted. They may completely contradict themselves from one moment to the next. A boss like this will often deny their words and act differently to our face vs. when we’re not around. Dealing with a two-faced boss requires a careful approach. Here are some tips:
Never participate in gossip about another coworker. Gossiping with a manipulative boss makes us culpable by association. A two-faced boss could just as easily lie to that coworker and tell them that we were the ones talking badly about them.
Never trust them, and treat them accordingly. If a two-faced boss is acting friendly, innocently asking for information or even making themselves vulnerable, it may all be a ploy. Unfortunately, it’s best to assume that these bosses always have an ulterior motive behind their words and actions.
Document everything. As we’ve stated previously, documentation is a manipulative boss’ kryptonite. Whatever they may say or do in the future, it can be compared to what’s on record.
Read Next: Surviving A Two-Faced Boss: A Few Tips From Experience
Manipulation Tactic #9: Slanting The Narrative
Consider this quote from Orwell’s 1984: “Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.”
Just like certain news channels are known for having a slant or bias embedded in their content, so too does your manipulative boss. A good manipulator knows exactly what to say, when to say it – and to who – to write their version of history.
This is particularly difficult to pinpoint, because a lot of it comes through framing statements in a certain way during a larger conversation. Bosses slant the narrative through subtle provocations. Sort of like tracking a little bit of mud into the house every day. A little dirt is hardly noticeable but before you know it, the place is a mess. The dirt didn’t just show up all of a sudden, it built up over time.
These comments carry certain implications, but are considered too small to actually address head on piece-by-piece. A manipulative boss knows this.
My examples: Conversations with the boss included him sprinkling in little provocations like these:
- “With better planning, maybe x, y or wouldn’t have happened…”
- “How can I trust that a big task will get done right when *random small task* still isn’t done?”
- “Like I’ve been saying for months, you need to…”
- Physically turning his back to block you out of a discussion.
- Ignoring some people’s emails but responding to others’ right away.
- Consistently framing situations so you seem like the problem, even if there’s an explanation.
Not only is this approach not helpful, but he’d often avoid the actual root causes of the issue.
The worst part, is this type of manipulative boss likely thinks they’re in the right. There are certainly instances where some of the comments above are valid, but bosses like this operate from a “you’re wrong” standpoint by default.
How To Deal With A Boss That Provokes You
It’s not always possible to respond to every little provocation our manipulative boss throws in a conversation. Too many of them can be denied, or flipped around on us as if we’re crazy (see the ‘gaslighting’ section below). That said, here are a couple ways to do so:
Address small stuff early on. If your boss drops multiple provocations into a couple successive interactions, it might pay off to bluntly point them out. It can feel petty to do this, but it prevents the narrative from “growing” too large. Much like a weed, these little provocations can grow quickly into a troublesome plant.
Should they go unaddressed, the narrative our boss weaves will seem more and more truthful over time. We must show our boss that doing so isn’t going to pay off.
Pay close attention and react with actions. If our boss subtly hints that we aren’t planning ahead, we can go out of our way to plan ahead even more than usual. Should our boss suggest that a certain behavior or characteristic of ours is problematic, we can ‘oversteer’ and act completely against what we’re accused of. Should our boss make mention of it again, they’ll appear wrong based on our actions.
Collect evidence. If you have several written examples of a boss provoking you or attempting to create a narrative that’s incorrect, collect them and address them with your boss directly. Should they brush it off, show them to HR or upper management who can handle it further. Documentation is our best friend.
Read Next: I Don’t Like My Job: What Should I Do? A Few Things To Keep In Mind
Manipulation Tactic #10: Being The Biggest Victim
It’s a classic manipulation tactic: someone screws you over, then makes you feel bad about it. They convince you that you’re in fact the issue, and that they’re the real victim. This is on purpose.
Whether it be guilt, shame or a combination thereof, victim-blaming in the workplace is a useful tool for manipulative bosses in a variety of ways. Similar to blame-shifting, the boss will frame many scenarios as if they’re in fact the victim despite what you and your coworkers may say…even if the truth is obvious to everyone else.
My examples: When we would bring up issues caused by a lack of resources or make reference to our huge workloads, my manipulative boss would state how he has to worry about all of our work and his! Imagine how he feels?
When we complained about too many hours spent each week in meetings, he’d talk about how many problems our team has, and how these meetings are necessary for him to make sure we’re all staying on track. Ironically, these meetings were time-wasters. We spent so many hours in them that we couldn’t get much work done! A real catch-22.
Of course, my boss was the only person who could authorize additional hires or coordinate necessary meetings efficiently. He’d rarely work an extra hour, and much of his time was spent micromanaging others or “selling” (aka schmoozing).
A truly manipulative boss will always see you as bad and themselves as good.
When Bosses Play The Victim…
Bosses who play the victim make it difficult for us to respond in a way that benefits us. Acting against a victim-playing boss often makes us look like the bad one. If our manipulative boss acts like they’re not getting the support they need, us calling them out or acting against them only supports what they’re saying.
Bosses that victim blame in the workplace put us in a situation where it’s difficult to do anything about it. That said, there are ways we can counter it.
One recommendation I make is to frame requests, comments and concerns so they favor your boss. Rather than needing more resources to get our own work done, the team needs more resources so our boss can spend less time running around. Rather than spending less time in meetings so we can focus on our work, the team should spend less time on meetings so our bosses can get more done.
In this manner, we still manage to address the problems we’re dealing with while making it seem like we’re looking our for our bosses’ best interest. It’s a combination of a win-win and pulling the ‘Uno reverse’ card.
Read Next: How To Deal With A Coworker You Don’t Trust: The Do’s & Don’ts
Manipulation Tactic #11: Gaslighting
What does a gas-lighting boss do, exactly?
The act of gaslighting someone is a combination of the manipulation tactics we described above, such as blame shifting, slanting the narrative and playing the victim with brainwashing and doubt mixed in for good measure. Here are some examples of how bosses gaslight their employees.
You could’ve sworn your boss gave you a due date of Friday, but Thursday morning, they’re asking you why you’re not done with an assignment. “I specifically said it was due by Thursday. Did you not listen?”.
You remember discussing a certain topic with your manipulative boss, but they claim you never brought it up. “I’d remember hearing something like that…”.
Gaslighting bosses often speak with so much conviction and confidence, that everyone just assumes they’re just remembering incorrectly themselves.
A boss who gaslights may turn it around and make us seem irresponsible, foolish or inadequate for disagreeing – effectively shaming us into complying so as to not make ourselves look even worse.
This process of making you question yourself is called gas lighting.
My examples: I’d hear the following types of comments from my gas-lighting boss, either directed at me or someone else. Do these sound familiar?
“Three weeks ago, I specifically said to you x, y and z”. No one else recalls.
“I keep telling you that you need to start doing…”. Advice doesn’t apply.
“On this project, you shouldn’t need _________”. My response isn’t welcome.
“I’m not getting my work done because I have to monitor you.” Arguing makes you look worse.
“A good project manager would have known to _________”. Classic shaming.
“I wouldn’t even need to discuss this with you if you had just…” More shaming for good measure.
“I’m not going to hire more people to make up for a lack of you not…” Insert inadequacy here.
The list goes on.
I personally view this behavior as an indication of poor moral character and a lack of accountability. Gas-lighting behavior drives me nuts. Some people just have bad memories, and sure – our boss may just not recall exactly what was said.
If you notice a pattern of this behavior though, there’s a good chance your boss is gas-lighting you.
How Do You Outsmart A Gas-Lighter A Work?
The best way to outsmart a gas-lighter at work is through prevention. When it comes to these bosses, the best offense is a good defense.
Effective work practices like conducting regular meetings – with written agendas and minutes – keep a clean, consistent narrative on what’s being discussed between you and your boss. This makes it difficult for them to bend the truth later about what’s been discussed.
Keeping a consistent schedule is also helpful. Your boss generally knows what you’re working on and when, leaving little room for mystery and vagueness that gas-lighting bosses rely on. Even better if it’s written down.
Lastly, updating your team with status reports and to do lists provides your boss with as much transparency and detail as they could possibly have.
For some specific tips on working efficiently, check out our article about being more efficient at work.
Read Next: Do We Really Need To Work 8 Hours A Day? The Truth On Full-Time Jobs
Manipulation Tactic #12: Interrupting Your Personal Life
Lastly, a truly manipulative boss with try and interfere with your personal life. This is absolutely not ok in any company, and should be reported to human resources – especially if you have proof.
These bosses are the ones who take it one step further. Many manipulative bosses know they are the de facto ruler of the office and exercise this power whenever possible, treating people poorly in the process. That’s bad enough.
When your boss wants to mess up your life outside of work, that’s another level of concerning.
My examples:
I took a week vacation one year. The project I was managing was ‘on fire’ – constant problems and delays. I scheduled this trip months in advance and due to circumstances, I offered to work remotely for part of the week while I was away.
During this time, I received at least a dozen emails from my boss – often cc’ing others – criticizing my management and various aspects of the project, despite the work I was getting done while on vacation! To this day I don’t get it.
I remember my vacation spanning from Monday through Friday. After Wednesday, I just turned my work phone off and stopped responding to emails. I was effectively being punished for being on vacation despite trying to help out, even though I requested the time off months before. He had the nerve to ask how my vacation was when I returned.
It goes without saying that we were not to disturb him while he was away.
Other things included scheduling meetings in the late afternoon that ran way too long (for no good reason), sending nasty emails on weekends, calling late at night, pressuring us to work through the night and on weekends, the list goes on.
Unless you’re part of a major start up, working on commission, getting paid hourly and/or have ownership share in the company, you should be afforded a reasonable amount of time away from work. That’s one of the best advantages of being a salary employee – remember this!
How To Stop Your Boss From Interfering With Your Personal Life
We’ve covered a lot in this article. The techniques we’ve covered already will go a long way from preventing your boss from interfering too much with your personal life. This includes keeping thorough written record of workloads, discussions, plans and tasks on a routine basis, as well as addressing subtle manipulations and provocations as they happen.
On top of that, do not tolerate your manipulative boss after hours. As soon as you let them interfere with your personal lives once, your boss will likely keep doing so with the expectation of getting away with it. It will happen again and again if we let it.
Unless you’ve specifically consented otherwise when you accepted your position, you may also simply stop responding to emails or picking up phone calls after-hours. Your boss can’t harass you during your personal time if they can’t get ahold of you.
Lastly, be sure to report over-the-line incidents or any after-hours harassment immediately. Depending on the state you live in, there are likely rules against this that HR would rather not be liable for.
Read Next: Are You Experiencing Anxiety About Going To Work Everyday? Read This!
Manipulative Bosses: In Conclusion…
This article ended up being a lot longer than I thought! It’s a topic I often think about, and have a soft spot for through experience. Having a manipulative boss can be a miserable experience, but knowing how to deal with them will improve your work experience immensely. Knowing what signs to look for and how to handle them will also keep your boss at bay and maybe even help your company realize how bad your boss truly is! I hope this has been helpful for you.
